April 2014
Meat and Magic

"My idea of a perfect night would be this: me, sitting on my sofa next to my dog, eating rare prime rib, drinking a nice coffee porter, masturbating while watching YouTube videos. The only problem is that I don’t have enough hands to do all of those things at the same time. If I were magic things would be different."

February 2014
Sex in the Box

"I have to put the dildo in a box because if I put it under my bed I’m afraid my dog is going to find it and I don’t want her to get into the habit of chewing up dicks. I’m not swearing off the real thing altogether and I just had the carpets shampooed."

June 2014
Sister Husbands

Do you know how many Ewan McGregor movies include full frontal nudity? I googled it but there doesn’t seem to be an accurate count. It’s not a rhetorical question. I realy want to know, in case I’ve missed any. There are at least five, Young Adam included. Ewan is generous.That last sentence is a play on words referring to both philanthropy and proportion.

January 2015
Deep Thoughts

Do you ever wonder if your life is just a big reality TV show? Like, you’re the only person with free will and everyone else is some sort of character actor? And somebody somewhere is just watching you to see what you'll do next? So you decide to test this theory by murdering a homeless man?

February 2017
Dear John

You know that friend you have that always posts those cryptic Facebook messages that are all, “Poor me,” and “I’m a bad person,” so you try to be supportive by telling him he’s ok? Then he sends you a private message telling you that he thinks you’re cool...

Salad Closet
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