Do you ever wonder if your life is just a big reality TV show? Like, you’re the only person with free will and everyone else is some sort of character actor? And somebody somewhere is just watching you to see what you'll do next? So you decide to test this theory by murdering a homeless man?

You invite him into your house by telling him you’re going to, I don’t know, give him a hand job or something, but as soon as he walks in the door you pull out a kitchen knife and you just stab him, right in the back? And when he falls face down on your living room floor, you jump on his back and use both hands to push the knife in his back a few more times, to make sure he’s dead? And while you're stabbing him, you scream, “Here’s your fucking hand job motherfucker! How do you like it?”

And your dog is all excited because she thinks it’s a game? She’s bouncing all around in circles in the blood and she’s leaving bloody little paw prints all over your nice wood floors? Her tail is wagging which makes the blood splatter all over the walls and on your furniture? And you look at your sofa and you think, "Thank God the slipcover on my IKEA sofa is washable."

Then you get off the homeless man and you just stand there, looking at that huge pool of blood and thinking about what a pain in the ass it's going to be to clean up? Then your dog starts licking the blood up off the floor? So you stand there some more just watching her lap up all that blood?

And you think, "She's a good dog. She wants to help." Then you realize that you’re kind of hungry so you walk into the kitchen and you make some macaroni and cheese?

Do you?

Do you ever wonder that?
Deep Thoughts
January 2015
deep thoughts
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Salad Closet